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Following an idle line of enquiry, I stumbled across a very disappointing collection of Mr Balon's "rude" sayings, published by the Telegraph to celebrate his retirement:


1 Here's your money. F**** off.


2 The beer is meant to be cloudy. I suggest you go elsewhere.


3 You're barred. You're too boring to be in my pub.


4 Spoof is not a game of skill eligible to be played in a pub, and if you don't like it you can p*** off.


5 I don't care whether you're a man or a woman, you can go now.


6 Out! Out! Out!


7 You're so ugly you're upsetting the customers.


8 Can't you see, you idiot, that


I'm on the telephone - to an MP trying to find the Private Eye lunch.


9 I am not obliged to give a reason, I don't want you in my pub.


10 And don't come back.

Had they telephoned me in New York, I could have added:


11 (To a young woman): You work at [name of a club]? They're all 'ookers there, ain't they?


12 (To a hungover man): What's the matter wiv you? You got fuckin' AIDS or somefink?


13 I hate customers. Why? 'Cos they're a fuckin' nuisance, that's why.


I suppose the Telegraph might have been searching for milder examples.

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  • 2 years later...

I knew we had a thread for this.


Elsewhere I was just discussing drinking in The Intrepid Fox when it was a punk-goth bar. This has made me nostalgic.


The bars I used regularly in Soho in the '90s were The Coach and Horses, The Blue Posts (on Berwick Street), the King's Head (Chinatown), and the French, more or less in that order. I think something horrible happened to the King's Head, but I assume the others are still more or less functional?


I'd have spent more time in the Dog and Duck, a beautiful bar, but it was generally packed with an irritating media crowd.

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I'm afraid you are right about the D&D. Still my favourite Soho boozer despite the irritating meeja types.


Can't really help with news about the other places although the Coach is still going strong. I do miss being told to "Fuck Off" by Norman because I had the effrontery to say "Good Morning".

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I remember an upstairs club on Gerrard Street called the Puffin. And there was one on Hanway Street too - The Trojan? I was thrown out of the Colony by Ian Board. Never went to Gerry's, although that's where Mr Board told me I should fuck off to.


Oh and the Tatty Bogle near Carnaby Street, where I was actually a member. Before it turned into an underground disco.

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