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An American in (and outside of) Paris

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I know that no one cares or wants to talk about food here and this appears to be a thread about vacationing in Spain and/or why everyone writing sucks, but I thought I'd mention that I had a truly truly fantastic meal at Yamtcha recently. The cooking there has gotten remarkable. Ok, back to spitballs, kids.


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Yamtcha, yeah, yada yada yada ...

Ok, back to spitballs, kids.


Ok, thanks for the advice.




Elsewhere on the Internets ... a big dilemma about a big date in the Big Apple ...


I was thinking this weekend, and I was thinking a date.


Chambo here, reporting for duty ...


civilized but not stodgy




Yeah, she don't want stodgy, duhhh, BUT she DON'T want civilized EITHER, dude !


What she WANTS is the ANIMAL you !


She wants you to roar like a lion. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !


Babes can get civilization anywhere anytime. Civilization is a dime a dozen ... and hence banal. Très très banal.


Give her the ANIMAL !


Rebelle's too loud.


WTF !!!




Rebelle is NOWHERE NEAR loud enough !!!


You need to plan to be tying one on, taion, and yelling and fist pumping like a mad man.


Babes LOVE Mad Men !


By the way, what are you planning on wearing on the weekend ?


Oh God, I can picture it already [Chambo's leaning back, hands covering his eyes, with a very agonized look on his face] ... No. No no no no no. NO !


Let me give you some ideas ... some inspiration ... something to get the creative juices flowin' ...


DYE and SPIKE the hair !


NOW !!!



where I can get out for under 500$


WTF !!!






Unless you are planning on proposing to her this weekend*, then you're gonna lose the game before it even starts !


Cool babes today aren't impressed by guys blowing their wad like that.


They ain't impressed by the big spender (you know, big wallet, small ...) who thinks he can buy his way in.


Babes in New York date dudes impersonating billionaires all the time. Billionaire-wannabes are a dime a dozen in this city... and hence banal. Très très banal.


Cool babes LOVE guys who are dead broke**, who take them to interesting hole-in-the-walls (or parties at oceanside mansions) and make them laugh all night long and FORGET where they are.




Oh my God ... you are so effing lucky that I'm here to save your white ass ... but I still think this gal may already be one step ahead of you in the strategy department.


Trust me, she's planning big-time right now and she's gonna be ready and rocking for action !




Do you even know how to play POKER ?


Because babes today SURE DO !


You have NO IDEA what you are up against ... yet I'm fairly convinced that she's bluffing and just doing a lot of huffing and puffing.


But I have a terrible, terrible feeling that she's gonna eat you alive at the table if you don't follow my advice !




Okay, it's game time !


Time to lather and leather up.


Get dressed (deodorant first !!!), comb your hair, brush your teeth (don't forget to floss !!!) and put on your game face.


Don't get nervous but the whole world will be watching !




Now it's time to face the music ! Oh my ... oh my .... here she comes ...


That bitch just raised the table stakes ! Holy shit, she's a stalker and you're the steak !!! ... she's a black-panted, black Panther !


Nothin' could be finer !


And did you catch that rear hip action on her highlight reel !


She's an untamed, upside-down bucking Bronco !


Hold on for dear life, buster !!! She might launch you a mile high !


Holy shit ! This chick is the total package and she's hotter than the Super Bowl !!!






And remember, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !




* If you are, congratulations !


** Dead-broke cuz they are either writing the great American novel or cuz their net-worth is illiquid and tied up in soon-to-be-public unicorn


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lucky that I'm here to save your white ass


I'm not white, either.


Moi, R-tiste !

Talking arses,

you races !

Me not racist

but post-racial.

Where you been,

Young American !



Moi. Been there. Done that.

Been a wreck, been a mess, been amiss every since.





What the hell.


Sorry man, didn't mean to blow your brain but Chambo's mind has moved into Major Miami Mode.



I'm so used to hanging with rock stars and such, and helping them with their dating dilemmas and such, that sweet little Chambo must've misfired in marking you out as a major Manhattan musician.


But you sure do lots a listenin' for a non-musician.



I also must've misinterpreted your prior post cuz I thought that you were actually looking for some practical and useful dating advice but were a lad a tad too shy to ask.



Didn't realize you're really researching restos !




Guess I didn't totally tune in to taion too well.


Mille excuses !



Since you didn't seem to love love love my absolute best ideas above, I'm gonna try try again.



And since His Chambo-ness is no longer a local yokel from the Apple, he's summarily eighty-six-ing any and all shiny new supping suggestions.



On with it ...



If you insist on my playing up the Asian angle, then showing my cards from low to high, I got Lan Sheng on the spicy Szechuan front, I got Sushi Yasuda on the Japanese fish front and I got Jungsik if you want to make common cause with the Koreans.



If you don't want to do the Eastern thang, then you could consider going on a road trip and heading Upper West to Lincoln or Dovetail.



All civilized sans stodgy as sought.



A penny for my thoughts ?

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You know, Chambo, you're probably right ...




Are you kidding me ? Try PREDICTABLY. Look at the damn data, will ya !


I knew her whole game plan in advance. I busted into her encrypted chat sessions !


That's why Chambo rushed into action and volunteered as your Coach.


I care about you, kid !


And we need to start fielding a team of winners around here.


Trust me, she's planning big-time right now and she's gonna be ready and rocking for action !




Caught her on the TV last night.

I sure was right about ready and rocking. She totally rocked the crowd !


Your babe was breathtakingly beautiful belting out that Banner !


Ravishing in red ! Can't get her outta my mind.









OR YOU, for that matter !


With her bright red threads I've been thinking that her banner performance might have just been a preview for her Chinese New Year coming out party to celebrate the new man in her life !


Am I kinda right, taion ? She's all dolled up as prep for the parental presentation, perhaps ?


I hate to be indiscreet and I know curiosity killed the cat ... but I can't help myself ... the suspense is killing me, man !


I was thinking this weekend, and I was thinking a date.

You never told us about the big date ! How did it go ?


Was she indeed bluffin' with her muffin and huffin' and puffin' when you told her about your unicorn ?


And what exactly happened in the midnight hour ?


Was she screaming "More More More" and busting your balls and begging for a burger cuz she hadn't had enough to eat ?


Look, what I'm really trying to ask is ... did you perform at the expected Superbowl-level or not ?


Let's cut to the chase ...


Did the Black Panther kick yo' white ass and buck yo' butt up a mile high ... ... ... OR ... ... ... under the expert guidance of Coach Chambo, were you manning up, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrowling at her like a wild beast, telling her she's now in Peyton's Place, attacking her slopes like Bode Miller and getting some early points on the board ? Did ya then really give it to her ! And I'm talking about a ferocious rush from just the right touch that made her blush, Von proud and the crowd roar when she tried to make her offensive move ! Did ya then strip her ball and all, tell her she's Prettier in Pink with a demon's wink, jump on it and get a major score in her end zone ! And after all this, did ya order her burger while playing Inspector Clouseau doing the tongue-tied Pink Panther thang ?


Cuz that was Coach Chambo's game plan from the beginning AS YOU WELL KNOW.

So it was just a matter of simple execution.

Sorry for all the Chambo-isms but what I'm simply trying to say in my own sweet little way is ...

Are you engaged yet ? Is taion tying the knot or not ?


If so, don't expect any normal wedding presents from Chambo, but expect the unexpected instead.


Cuz Dr. Chambo might surprise ya on your big day when doing his rounds on the East Coast.


Some say Chambo is all mashugana ... that he's out his mind and drives people crazy ... but he's no buffoon under the hood, just misunderstood ... and he can carry a tune as sweet as Sugar.


I ain't lying or prying.

I'm just playing a tight formation.

I just wanna be deep in your love.


I just wanna be there where you are.




Come on, taion, tie off ! And give Chambo one rockin' Rebel Yell fist pump !

(maybe around the two-minute warning or so.)




And admit it. You were shocked at first but then psyched to see me on your big day. As was the wife.


Even if I wasn't formally invited.

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Has anyone here been following the goings-on in our Illustrious Nation recently ?



Or is it just me ?



Holy crapola ! It's unbelievable the stuff that people think that they can get away with nowadays.



And if it weren't for sweet little Chambo then the truth may never be told.



No worries, folks.


Chambo's been busy as a boy can be drudging up everything and anything on everybody.





So Bonner was headin' south with the wife and he's tryin' convince us cool kids that he can still be a baller in mami Miami.




Chambo thoughts ... on the places to open in the Faema?


Pffffft ! What a joke !

We're talking about a guy who don't even know the difference between coffee and condos.

Faema is a coffee machine.


Faena are the new super high-end condos.


And if he were a REAL Faena man, who cared deeply about his wife, he might have been gentlemanly enough to have surprised her that weekend by buying the for-sale, flipped, Faena House penthouse and then outbidding that same prior owner on a Jackson and Willem so his sweetie could feel at home in their new pad and not suffer the monotony of bare white walls.



Did he buy ?



No, he didn't.



Did he at least stay at the Faena Hotel next door ?






Nevertheless this married dude still thinks himself a player.



Ready for the shocker, folks ?



You all thought Bonner was a fine, family-minded man, didn't ya ?


So did I ... but as I progressively invaded his privacy I came to see things very differently.



I caught him on video a la Hulk Hogan.


It's truly amazing how people underestimate CyberChambo.


Was I a gawker ? Maybe ... whatever ... it's totally irrelevant ... he's a public figure ...



Here's the findings and facts of the Miami matter.



Bonner actually believed that he could weekend in Miami and leave his sweet, dear wife outside watering the lawn, while he's popping a couple cherries in the kitchen in the morn without her scorn and then go out and hit a couple of HOMERuns with bikini babes before the sun even set.



What type of family man is this !



WTF's he thinking !



He actually must have believed that he could get away with all these shenanigans without being fully exposed for who he really is.



Typical trader mentality. Traders, they're like Nazis ... I hate those guys !



Miami ain't Vegas, Bonner !


What happens in Miami, Chambo knows about !



Did you actually think that you could pull a Chambo ? Live like Chambo ? Dance like Chambo ? What were you smoking ?



I know Chambo. Chambo's a friend of mine. Bonner, you're no Chambo !!!



Chambo's the effing mayor of Miami and he knows EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that's going down down south.



He's got spies EVERYWHERE.



He's bugged EVERYBODY !



He's got video up the wazoo in the cloud on all lascivious leanings and yearnings going down year round with the bitches on the beaches !


Miami and Palm, included.


Petabytes of purring, of petting and of prurient penetration into the private lives and private parts of plutocrats, proles and PYTs alike.



(Rumor has it that Chambo has a fully-exposed, 360 multi-media, augmented reality, core dump of Trump's little bump and his big rump. Imagine how well that would go over on the stump, Trump ! Rumor has it that Chambo's heading to Trump's Tower to negotiate a "fair and balanced" swap settlement. Here's a heads-up for you all - don't be surprised if there's a name change on the tower. Imagine CHAMBO in tall, glow-in-the-dark, burnt orange neon ... that sure would be serious stylin' ...)



Bonner, don't try to live like Chambo cuz if you attempt it, you'll fail miserably and the tables will be turned on ya and you'll end up running for your sweet life !



And learn how to dress like a human, will ya !



My minions installed bugs in Bonner's fridge, his kitchen, all rooms inside, outside, virtually everywhere ... "Roll it, Roger ... Bonner on the Beach ... ACTION !!! "





Sooo weekend in Miami.


Chambo thoughts ... on the places to open in the Faema?

Bonner ! Buddy !! Buddy !!!

Bonner ! Bonner !! Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan - nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !!!



Where the F R U, Bonner ! Don't pull a balex on me !



Listen carefully ... this is important ... I gonna do you a solid ...


Since the last time we talked ...


I got that back-end retrofit on my big bird .. so that when my G-5 touches down and slows to a crawl, the back hatch ramp auto-opens and I'm speeding off in the GT3 before the G-5 is stationary.


Your setup seems highly unproductive. You better solve that problem or else Chambo is gonna be eating your lunch !


I presume you've upgraded your game and got the G5-GT3 package that I recommended. Well done !


As I clearly stated above, that solves the problem of Chambo eating you're lunch, but that's only half the battle.


It's time to talk dinner ... so naturally we need step up our battle plans and get ready to go global thermonuclear ...

You need to get in your spaceship like NOW (you got the same model as I do, right ?) and accelerate backwards faster than the speed of light for a bit and get the hell down here like YESTERDAY !



Don't stand me up, Bonner !



I'm counting on you ... COMMENCE COUNTDOWN like NOW ! and don't forget my protein pills !



That's a direct order !



Alinea is in Residence ... at the Faena ... in the Los Fuegos space.



I'm totally serious !



The ONLY ONLY ONLY possible excuse that you could possibly have for NOT blasting off and blowing me off would be that just possibly you were feeling especially espagnol and seriously Chambollic and just had your Grant fill in Madrid, and if you did, I sure hope you were NOT a total prole and were a total pro and doubled down and did the dirty doubleheader deed with DiverXo as the duo.



Tell me it's so, Bonner ! Tell me it's so !!!



Cuz if it's not, Bonner, and if your spaceship is once again out of order, Bonner, then you're oh so totally on your own and you got less than a week to fix it and course correct and come on down and come up with a plan of action that would make a commander proud and result in the raising of a MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner, Bonner !



And don't ask me for any more help of any kind.


I gave you ample advance warning AND YOU KNOW IT !


Once again, if you get here by yesterday, I got your ticket. It's on me. You're covered. No worries.


Anyway I'm hyper busy working on new weapons systems ... and wet T-shirts ... gotta go, gotta run, gotta bounce off the board and drench them wenches ... you know, I'm perfecting the cannonball and all ...



Splash !




Chambo thoughts ... on the places to open in the Faema?


One more thing.



Pao by Paul Qui (yes, Qui of Uchi in Austin) is also at the Faena and Paul was indeed there.



It is the ultimate unicorn place. And a colorful one at that. On a pedestal, even.



And a very painful wine list.


Chambo thoughts ... on the places to open in the Faema?



Oh yeah, one more thing.



Beware the Gilded Mammoth outside ! It's a sight to behold ... not far from the bar !



Three yards tall.



Gone But Not Forgotten. Damien did it.



Many think that they are extinct but it's back and brighter than ever.



This one's all caged up ... at least for the moment.

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