Bad Jokes

[buckytom]

i haven't seen a good or bad joke thread here, not that i looked very hard, but i decided to start one none the less. the "punchlines only" thread got me started looking for some of the ones i didn't know.

we all could use a little laugh now and then.

 

 

 

BAD JOKES

 

 

 

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

 

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, "It's Not Unusual."

 

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

 

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

 

15. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Wilfrid1]

Some of those made me laugh. Do I need help?

[g.johnson]

1-666 - Area code of the Beast

 

$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast

 

Route 666 - Interstate of the Beast

 

666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast

 

666k - Retirement plan of the Beast

 

666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast

 

6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate of the Beast

 

666i - BMW of the Beast

 

DSM-666 - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast

 

668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

[mongo_jones]

i think the end of this may have gone in the "punchlines" thread but since the scientist is giving us a flavour of what passes for humor among the test-tubes and vernier callipers, let me throw in a post-structuralist joke as well:

 

q. how many deconstructionists does it take to unscrew a lightbulb?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a. why are you privileging the light bulb?

 

 

wilfrid, you can send your pants in for repair now.

[Cathy]

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

This one is funnier in German.

[Wilfrid1]

Zwei kleine schmickelnutzen in dem bar gefahrten, und ein geschmacken-in-der-bracket war.

 

Or did you not mean Benny Hill German?

[Cathy]

I meant Monty Python German (the great Joke sketch).

 

Zwei peanuts ver valking down de strasse, und vun of dem was a salted...peanut...

[Stone]

1-666 - Area code of the Beast

 

$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast

 

Route 666 - Interstate of the Beast

 

666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast

 

666k - Retirement plan of the Beast

 

666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast

 

6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate of the Beast

 

666i - BMW of the Beast

 

DSM-666 - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast

 

668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

Um. Are these considered jokes to science people?

(I see Mongo already noted the uncertainty.)

[g.johnson]

I've got a lot of lawyer jokes if you'd prefer.

[Maurice Naughton]

I've got a lot of lawyer jokes if you'd prefer.

Yeah! And Camels! Camel jokes. Lawyers and camels! Hey, Hollywood, you there?

[Mark Slater]

Where is Henny Youngman when you need him?

[Stone]

I've got a lot of lawyer jokes if you'd prefer.

I work in an office full of them.

[winesonoma]

There was a tradesman, a painter called Yossi, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a 'bisselle' further.

 

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the shul decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Yossi put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

 

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, thinning it down with turpentine.

 

Well, Yossi was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the shul and knocking Yossi clear off the scaffold, to land on the lawn surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

 

Yossi was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he stood up and cried: "Avinu Malkenu! Forgive me! What should I do?"

 

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

 

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

[Guest Suzanne F]

Now THAT'S bad.

 

 

And I'm going to repeat it to everyone I know.

[buckytom]

"you can find the answer to all of life's problems in the bible" said a priest in his sunday sermon. "any situation you may find yourself in, just look to the bible."

 

after mass, a young woman walked up to greet the priest, and ask him a question.

 

sheepishly, she said "father, i'm kind of embarassed to ask you this, but i've never seen nor heard of anything to do with the matter of pms in the bible".

 

the priest thought for a second, then turned his bible to the passages of christmas.

 

he read aloud, "and mary rode joseph's ass all the way to bethlehem..."