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Duck walks into bar and tells the bartender

"I'd like a Heineken please."

 

Bartender looks at duck suspiciously and says, "Will that be cash or charge."

 

Duck says, "Just put it on my bill." :rolleyes:

It's amazing how many "thing walks into a bar" jokes there are!

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A sandwich walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please” he says. To which the barman replies “Sorry sir, we don’t serve food”.

A Times New Roman walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please” he says. To which the barman replies “Sorry sir, we don’t serve your type”.

A man with a pick axe and shovel walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please” he says. To which the barman replies “Sorry sir, we don’t serve miners”.

A man walks into a bar with a goat. “Pint of your finest please,” he says. To which the barman replies, “Sorry sir, we don’t serve kids.”

A room-temperature superconductor walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please.” To which the barman replies “Sorry, we don’t serve room-temperature superconductors.” So the room-temperature superconductor left with no resistance.

NASCAR walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please.” To which the barman replies “Sorry, we don’t serve your race here.”

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar… and doesn’t.

An unending sequence of numbers walks into a bar. One of them exclaims “c is 1 today! Drinks to celebrate”. The bartender serves an infinite number of drinks and says, “Okay, you guys are set”.

The bartender asks “What would you like?”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

A mushroom walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please,” he says. To which the barman replies, “Sorry sir, we don’t serve your kind.” The mushroom replies, “Why not? I’m a fun-guy!”

Robot walks into a bar. Orders a drink, lays down a bill. Bartender says, “Hey we don’t serve robots.” And the robot says, “No, but someday you will.”

A gold atom walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and yells.

“Aye, You! Get out of here!”

A Helium atom walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him

“I’m sorry, we don’t serve Helium here.”

But the Helium doesn’t react.

Two neutrinos go through a bar…

A string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender angrily says “We don’t serve strings here!”

String: “But all I want is a drink!”

Bartender: “I said no strings!”

 

Dejectedly, the string goes outside. Thinking for a moment, the string then ruffles up his hair and around his feet. He then convulses and wraps himself around all crazy like. He then walks back into the bar. The bartender is aghast. “Aren’t you the same string I just kicked out of here?”

 

“No, sir. I’m a frayed knot.”

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(Stolen from Charles Mee:)

 

A chicken and an egg are in bed together.

 

The chicken is lying back smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

 

The egg pulls over the covers and says, "Well now we've answered THAT question!"

 

(Actually, I think that's a good joke.)

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(Stolen from Charles Mee:)

 

A chicken and an egg are in bed together.

 

The chicken is lying back smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

 

The egg pulls over the covers and says, "Well now we've answered THAT question!"

 

(Actually, I think that's a good joke.)

Somewhere I have a copy of that cartoon - guaranteed to bring a smile to my face.

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  • 1 month later...

HOW TO BE GRACIOUS

 

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

 

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

 

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

 

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing

 

it,'' she replied.

 

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

 

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

 

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

 

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear......I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the

wedding.''

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